For many of us, giving difficult feedback is hard. Despite knowing it’s the right thing to do and that it will help the other person develop, we avoid the conversation for a negative reaction. Usually, defensiveness.

If you’re delivering the feedback in the right way (see our other blog about how to give better feedback) then you may well avoid a defensive response altogether. It can be like any other two-way conversation, with zero judgement and the intention of helping someone improve their performance, or approach something different next time. 

Simple, right? As we know, simple doesn’t always equate to easy!

Understanding why people react defensively and how to manage these reactions can transform feedback into a constructive dialogue, enhancing personal and professional growth. 

Let’s start by looking at why people react defensively. 

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Why People React Defensively

Your brain is hardwired to keep you safe and to help do that, it’s on a constant look out for threats. When someone says the words “Can I give you some feedback?” it can often trigger an unconscious defensive response, which can stem from various sources:

1. Self-esteem Threats: Feedback can be perceived as a personal attack, threatening the individual's self-image
2. Fear of Consequences: Concerns about potential repercussions, such as job security or reputation
3. Previous Negative Experiences: Past encounters with poorly delivered feedback can lead to an anticipatory defensive stance. This is a biggie!
4. Lack of Trust: When there is a lack of trust in the person giving feedback, the recipient is more likely to be defensive
5. Cognitive Dissonance: When feedback contradicts the individual’s self-perception or beliefs, it creates cognitive dissonance

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The Neuroscience of Defensive Reactions

Let’s get a little more brainy about this. Defensive reactions are deeply rooted in our brains' automatic response mechanisms. Understanding these neurological underpinnings can help us manage defensive responses more effectively. 

The big player in all this is the amygdala,  a part of the brain involved in emotional processing, it plays a crucial role in defensive reactions. When receiving critical feedback, the amygdala can trigger a "fight or flight" response, perceiving the feedback as a threat. This response can result in heightened emotions and defensive behaviour. 

Usually, our prefrontal cortex keeps these emotions in check, but during high stress situations or when feedback is perceived negatively, the prefrontal cortex's ability to regulate the amygdala diminishes, leading to more pronounced defensive reactions. Add some spicy stress hormone - cortisol - into this and you’ve got a defensive flare up that can take up to 72 hours to subside. 

The Feedback Stairs and Their Stages

Now you understand the neuroscience behind why people react defensively, let’s look at the different types of defensive reactions. The Feedback Stairs model shows us the progressive stages of defensive reactions. Recognising these stages allows leaders to tailor their responses effectively. The stages typically include:

1. Denial: "That’s not true."
2. Defend: "This is unfair!"
3. Explain: "I had no choice because..."
4. Acceptance: "I see your point."
5. Change: "I'll work on this."

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Responding to Each Stage of the Feedback Stairs

Let’s take a look at how best to respond to each stage of the stairs and most importantly, you don’t join them on the stairs with your own defensive reactions. 

1. Denial:

Denial is a common first reaction where the recipient refuses to acknowledge the feedback.

What it sounds like: "That’s not true."

How to react:

• Stay calm and composed. Don’t join them on that defensive stair.
• Provide specific examples to support your feedback.
• Check and repeat the facts
• Listen to their facts and encourage open dialogue by asking questions like, "Can you help me understand your perspective?"

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2. Defend:

In the defend stage, the individual feels the need to justify or argue against the feedback.

What it sounds like: "This is unfair!"

How to react:

• Remain empathetic and composed.
• Avoid arguing or escalating the situation.
• Validate their feelings by saying, "I understand this feedback might be difficult to hear."

• Offer to follow up at a later date once they’ve had time to reflect

3. Explain:

At this stage, the recipient tries to justify their behaviour or decisions.

What it sounds like: "I had no choice because..."

How to react:

• Acknowledge their rationale without agreeing or disagreeing.
• If there’s an attempt to blame others, ask “What part of this can you take accountability for?”
• Redirect the conversation to focus on solutions and future behaviour.
• Ask open-ended questions to promote self-reflection, such as, "What could be done differently next time?"

4. Acceptance:

Acceptance indicates the recipient acknowledges the feedback and its validity.

What it sounds like: "I see your point."

How to react:

• Reinforce their openness and willingness to listen.
• Collaborate on a plan for improvement.
• Offer support and resources to facilitate change.

5. Change:

Change is the final stage where the recipient commits to making adjustments based on the feedback.

What it sounds like: "I'll work on this."

How to react:

• Provide positive reinforcement and encouragement.
• Set clear, achievable goals and timelines.
• Follow up regularly to monitor progress and provide ongoing support.
• Make sure you acknowledge any change in behaviour later down the line to embed the change

Avoiding Defensive Reactions

The best way to handle defensive reactions is to avoid them in the first place. This starts with how feedback is delivered. We think the COIN model is a great framework to use when delivering tough feedback and here are a few reminders to enhance the feedback experience:

1. Build Trust: Establish a foundation of trust and respect. When people feel valued and secure, they are more likely to receive feedback positively.
2. Be Specific and Objective: Use specific examples and focus on observable behaviours rather than personal attributes. 
3. Use "I" Statements: Frame feedback from your perspective to avoid sounding accusatory. For instance, "I noticed..." instead of "You always..."
4. Balance Positive and Negative Feedback: Ensure you find moments to acknowledge strengths and achievements alongside areas for improvement so you’re creating a balanced perspective of growth. Avoid doing these at the same time so both messages land more distinctly. 
5. Create a Safe Environment: Ensure the setting is private and conducive to open, honest communication.
6. Timing Matters: Choose an appropriate time to give feedback, avoiding moments of high stress or immediately after a mistake.

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Handling defensive reactions when giving feedback is crucial for fostering a culture of continuous improvement and development. Avoiding feedback because we fear a negative response isn’t good for anybody. We have to work through these moments and by doing so, build our confidence to receive and give better feedback. 

Want to help your team navigate tricky feedback conversations? Chat to us about our Candour Masterclasses and Programmes.

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