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You’ve probably heard of Parent, Adult, Child but have you heard of transactional analysis (known as TA) and how you can use it as a leader?
No? Well that’s not a surprise as it’s not the sort of topic that’s regularly covered in business books. This topic lives very much in the land of psychology and it’s a super interesting area for leaders to understand because it impacts:
TA helps you understand the process of “transactions” in your communication. It recognises that your personality is driven by different ‘ego states’: Parent, Adult and Child.
Let me give you an example. Have you ever heard something like this at work?
“Yes, of course I know how to do that!”, said with an eye roll in the voice of a stroppy 15 year old. If so, then you’ve probably had what’s called a ‘crossed transaction’, which is a mis-match of ego states.
Your initial reaction might be to think they are being childish. But before you pass judgement, consider how you may have impacted their reaction by your tone of voice, the question you asked, or your body language. You may be giving off parental vibes without even realising it, which triggers them to play out a child-parent dynamic from their past.
Unsurprisingly, at work, the most appropriate transaction is adult to adult. That means you’re both entering a conversation with matching ego states, where you’re both curious, open minded, non-judgemental, compromising and rational.
There are three ego states in transactional analysis; parent, adult and child. Each state has it’s own set of behaviours which are based on experience from our pasts.
These are behaviours, attitudes and values learnt from authority and caregiving figures that we mimic now as adults. If you’ve ever found yourself sounding like your Dad…then this is what we mean. It sounds like you’re dishing out ‘rules’ or ‘shoulds’ and being controlling.
Depending on the version of parenting we are mimicking it can either be:
These are behaviours which are concerned with appraising facts, reasoning, thinking, evaluating and responding to available data in the current reality. All that good stuff we do at work we’re collaborating, problem solving and helping others (“Let’s find the best solution”). This is the state we should aim to be in most of the time as adults - and especially at work.
These are emotions, feelings and unregulated reactions based on past experiences. Our inner child can come out to play and not always in a good way. This is an emotionally-led state and a bit like the parental state, it has two sides to it:
Now you understand the different ego states, let’s look at what happens when two people communicate and how their ego states can impact the quality of that communication. In TA this is called a ‘transaction’. There are three types of transactions:
This isn’t necessarily ‘good’ communication, but it’s a ‘good’ transaction because both people’s ego states match the others. They are both on the same page, receiving each other’s communication as intended. The one we talk about the most is adult to adult, but it’s also true of nurturing parent to natural child. As long as both parties receive the other with a matching ego state, the communication isn’t challenged. But you can probably see that the parent child example isn’t a great communication style at work.
Ever had someone say something which sounded a bit like a back-handed compliment? Sometimes transactions present like an adult-to-adult conversation but one person subtly or unconsciously throws in a parental (or child) comment which creates doubt as to the meaning of the communication in the receiver's mind. This is what we call an ulterior transaction. What is being said, is not the real meaning.
This is where it gets really spicy as these transactions are mis-matched. The ego states of the two people are not aligned and this is where we see conflict, defensiveness and misunderstandings. If one person sounds like a critical parent, then you might get back an adaptive child response (“Yes, of course I know how to do that!”). But if that receiving person regulates their emotions and instead responds in an adult ego state, the other person will more likely shift their tone and communication into an adult state too, rather than continuing a parent-child dynamic.
Armed with this knowledge of ego states and transactions, your next stage is to notice the different states you tend to use, when you use them and who you use them with. Some self reflection and awareness is required.
Start by deconstructing a previous interaction that didn’t go as you expected.
Once you’re more aware of your states you need to practice adopting a more adult stance. This takes self-regulation and the ability to control your emotions. It’s easier said than done but we have a few tips to help you get into adult mode more often:
What does this look like for you? How would you want someone else to be “adult” with you? What feedback can you get from others to things you might be doing unconsciously?
Your values play an important role in how you show up and communicate. When one of your values is not being met, you are more likely to take a parent or child ego state, which can then trigger conflict with others. Knowing your values can help you to better self manage and identify what you need to ask for (in adult mode) in order to have your values met.
It’s hard to be constructive when you’re in parent or child ego states, so first pause - and create the space to be able to react rationally in adult mode. This could be a case of asking for time to reflect and then book in a follow up to chat about the conflict in 48hrs. In that time, be empathic and look to address both the rational AND emotional needs of the other person. What’s going on for them? What ego state were they in? What did you do that could have triggered that for them? Which of their values may have not been met?
Coaching is an inherently adult to adult conversation and it requires curiosity, openness, unconditional positive regard and a sense of lightness and ease. Building your coach muscles so it just becomes part of your communication style is an excellent way to maintain your adult-to-adult ego state and reduce conflict with others. Naturally, as the name suggests, it’s one we’re very keen on helping others develop at Coachable 🙂
Transactional Analysis is one of those areas of psychology that few leaders know about, but is a game changer for those that do. And, that now includes you! If you’re experiencing conflict at work with an individual or team - take a look at the ego states you might be unconsciously bringing to the dynamic. What patterns are playing out? You might be surprised at what you find.
Executive Coach, Forbes Coaches Council member, Board advisor and facilitator.
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